Liquid's Punishment Extinction
by Liquid
Summary: GASP, Xing is not quite as dead as Liquid thought, and he wants REVENGE! So now Liquid must survive the third Resident Evil Movie!
1. The Return Of Xing

On an average night, in an average city, on the average second floor of an average house... Liquid was standing on his head doing a beer bong. And in the room cheering him on was Anthony1989, Sabertooth and Wolf, Phoenix Helix, and Leonmustdie.

Once the beer bong was finished, Liquid fell over and they cheered.

"You guys are the best"! Liquid exclaimed. "I really appreciate you guys being my friends, especially since all of my friends usually die horrible grusome deaths".

"They do what"? Anthony1989 asked.

"Oh, nothing". "That was then, and this is now". "But now it's time for everyone's favorite story"!

Everyone groaned.

"What"? Liquid asked.

"We've heard it a hundred times". Sabertooth replied. "You killed Xing with his own trap, you're the only surviving member of the Originals, blah, blah, blah".

"Oh, ungrateful, huh"? "Well, if I hadn't killed Xing you guys would already have been tortured and killed just for associating with me".

"Say what"? Leonmustdie asked.

"Not important". "The point is that we are free of that chicken shit Xing, and that I can finally be my own person, completely on my own, doing whatever I want".

"Liquid"! A voice called from downstairs. "Don't forget to put out the trash in the morning"!

"Ok, Grandma"!

Everyone snickered at him.

"On your own, huh"? Phoenix asked.

"Well, what did you expect"? Liquid replied. "My house got condemned, and Xing torched my trailer". "What else was I supposed to do"?

Everyone started laughing at him.

"Ok, laugh it up". Liquid said. "Now I won't give you the antidote".

Everyone froze.

"Antidote to what"? Sabertooth asked.

"The poisen you just drank". Liquid replied.

Everyone gasped and just sat there for a minute, until Liquid started laughing.

"HA HA"! He yelled. "I got you fuckers good"! "Like I would ever take the time and money to posien you"!

"Ha ha". Phoenix replied. "Very funny".

"You're such an ass, Liquid"! Sabertooth yelled.

"Liquid"! Grandma called. "Another one of your friends is here"! "I'll just send him up"!

"Ok, Grandma"! Liquid yelled.

This was going great, Liquid thought. Another one of his friends was coming to celebrate with him. But then he stopped, and thought some more. He only had four friends, and they were all in the room with him. So who could it be?

Then he recieved his answer as the door exploded, and as the smoke cleared everyone gasped as the figure that stood before them.

"XING"?! They all yelled.

"I've got bones to pick with all of you". Xing replied. "But I'm willing to let that go, because today I only want HIM".

An instant later there were four firey trails leading down the stairs and out the door.

"Some friends they are". Liquid muttered.

"Ah, alone at last". Xing said. "Did you miss me, Liquid"?

"Apparently I did". "Next time I'll use a scope". "What do you want, anyway"?

"Let's see... what do I want"? "Oh, yes... BLOODY... VENGENCE"! "You made me bleed my own blood, and now I'm gonna fill you full of more holes then the asshole day parade"!

"There's an asshole day parade"?

"SHUT UP"! "For once in your life just shut up and die"!

Suddenly Liquid gasped and pointed at him.

"Look out"! He yelled. "There's a flying purple carborator coming right at you"!

"What do you take me for"? Xing asked. "Do you really thing I'm so stupid as to f

Suddenly the carborator slammed into Xing's head, knocking him down the stairs.

"Tried to warn him". Liquid said as he jumped out the window. "Bye, bye, Xing"!

Liquid landed on his motorcycle, fired it up, and took off down the street as Xing was getting up.

"Flying purple carborator". He muttered as he crushed it under his foot. "I'm just gonna add that to my list of reasons to kill you".

He then pointed his finger into the air, and thunder crashed.

"Prepare for the ultimate punishment, Liquid"! Xing yelled. "You are about to enter a world that has been ravaged by the t-virus and turned into an endless desert, kind of like in that super mario brothers movie, but not quite as gay"! "Let's see you get out of this one"!

A killer wind suddenly knocked Liquid off his bike, and his head struck a rock, knocking him out as the world around him became a desert.


	2. Testing Ground

When Liquid woke up, he found himself inside a fimiliar mansion.

"What the"? He said as he looked around. "The house of next tuesday"?

(FLASHBACK)

Liquid screamed as the boiling hot water was sprayed on him.

"Next question". The shower system asked as the water stopped. "What is the capital of Azerbizan"?

"LET ME OUT"! Liquid screamed as he pounded on the door. "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LET ME OUT"!

"Incorrect answer, and now you must pay the peanlty".

Liquid screamed again as the boiling water poured on him.

(FLASHFORWARD)

"Oh, Christ"! He said to himself. "I gotta get out of here, quick"!

He tried the door, but it was locked. Then he opened the curtains, but instead of windows, he found brick walls.

"Ok". He said to himself. "Remain calm". "You got in here somehow, so there must be a way out".

Suddenly the tv came on behind him, and he turned around to see that creepy doll from the Saw movies.

"Hello, Liquid". It said. "I want to play a game".

"Oh, god damn it"! Liquid yelled.

"All of your life you have looked out for only yourself, and instead of correcting your personal problems, you drown them in cheap alcohol". "You are a womaniser, a hypacrite, a smoker, an alcoholic, and a murderer". "And now it is time to pay the price for your crimes".

"Oh yeah, because you're such a model citizen". "I can't believe that I'm getting a moral lecture from someone who kidnaps people just so that he can jerk off to their gruesome deaths".

"I do not jerk off to them". "That would be sick".

"Right, because putting people in crazy ass torture devices with a 95 percent kill rate isn't sick at all".

"Are you done yet"?

"Just one more thing for the record". "I am NOT an alcoholic, I'm a drunk". "Alcoholics go to thoes meetings every thursday".

"ENOUGH"! "Step through thoes doors and we shall see how tough you are"!

The TV turned off, and the door opened into a long hallway.

Seeing that he had no choice, Liquid walked through the door, and noticed that every tile on the floor had a different letter on it.

"What the hell"? He asked.

"Hello, Liquid"! Jigsaw doll said as a monitor came on. "Welcome to your first test". "In order to get across this room, you must only step on the tiles which correctly spell the word ENCYCLOPEDIA".

The TV shut off, and Liquid started sweating as he looked at the tiles.

"Damn it". He grumbled. "I knew I should've stayed awake in English class". "Ok, now let's see... one letter at a time...THERE"!

He jumped onto the I tile, and it fell out from under him, making him fall onto a bunch of spikes.

Meanwhile inside the observation room, the man watching tossed his chocolate shake at the monitor, making it short out.

"GOD DAMN IT"! Dr. Issacs screamed. "TAKE THAT NON-SPELLING MOTHER FUCKER TO THE SURFACE... AND GET ME ANOTHER VIEW SCREEN"!

Back in the hallway, a side door opened, and two guards walked in.

"Issacs is such a cock clown". The first one said as they picked up Liquid's body.

"Well, I can kind of understand". His friend replied. "I mean, he built this whole elaborate testing ground for this guy, and he couldn't even spell encyclopedia".

"Quit being a bitch". "Let's just do this and come back down".

They carried the body to an elevator, and it took them up, up, up, until it crashed through the floor of a small cabin, sending furnature and camera equipment flying everywhere.

"What the hell was that"? The guard asked.

"Hey"! A voice yelled as the smoke cleared. "What the hell do you assholes think you're doing"?! "I'm trying to make a top notch liberal movie here, AND YOU JUST RUINED THE SCENE"!

The smoke finished clearing, and in front of the guards stood Michael Moore.

"Hey, I know you"! The second guard yelled. "You're that fat fuck that made farenheight 911"!

They dropped Liquid's body, and grabbed Michael Moore. Then they dragged him toward the fence, where a million hungry zombies were waiting.

With great effort, they tossed the fat bastard over the fence, and as they were walking away, the zombies tossed him back.

"We don't want that shit"! A zombie yelled.

"We may be zombies"! Another one yelled. "But even we wouldn't eat something that fat and disgusting"!

"Hooray"! Michael Moore screamed as he got up. "I'm saved"!

The guards suddenly shot him, then they dropped him and Liquid's body into a large hole that was filled with atleast 45 dead Liquid's. The guards then went back down the elevator, and Michael Moore's body was tossed out of the hole by the dead Liquids.

Back in the observation room, Dr. Issacs was making his report.

"As with all the other test subjects". He said into the recorder. "Subject Liquid 57 has proven himself to be an illiterate dipshit and died on the first test". "All attempts to find the real Liquid have failed, and Ultimate Supreme Executive Chairman Wesker will put my balls in the grinder if I don't come up with something fast... signing off".


	3. Radio Station Terror

Meanwhile, somewhere very far away from the underground labratory, Liquid was driving down what was left of the highway on his motorcycle.

"Come on". He sang with the radio. "Let me show you how to do this, you gotta move this". "Shake that body for me". "People, don't you know, don't you know what's on my mind"? "Many different flavors

Suddenly the radio turned to static, ending the song as well as Liquid's halfway decent mood.

"What the fuck"? He asked as he smacked it.

This continued for a minute or two, but then it changed.

"Someone help us"! The radio suddenly screamed. "We are poor defenceless women, trapped all alone at a radio station".

"Yeah, so what"? Liquid asked. "Put the music back on".

"We have been stuck here for weeks, our supplies are running low, we have wounded among us, and you are our only hope".

"What do I look like, Obi-wan Kenobi"? "Put the fucking music back on, and take your sob story to someone who gives a frog's fat ass"!

"Did I mention that we are all between the ages of 18 and 21"? "We have long blonde hair, green eyes, and legs to die for"? "We're easy and fun, and there's no strings attached... unless you're kinky that way".

"HOLY 36-24-36, BATMAN"!

"And one more thing". "We are definatly NOT psyco killers who use the radio to lure in our victims". "See you soon".

The radio then shut off, and Liquid smiled.

"Well". He said to himself. "Some killers have set a trap, and they think that pure curiosity will make me do something stupid, huh"? "Then I'll just have to get the drop on them, and get them before they get me... and should they be hot chicks... well, we'll just have to wait and see MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"!

A few minutes later he arrived at the old radio station, and got off the bike. Then he took out his 9mm, and walked up to the door.

"Knock, knock"! He yelled as he kicked it open.

There was no one in sight, so he started moving down the hall, when suddenly some people jumped around the corner with guns-a-blazing.

"Woo-hoo"! A fat woman yelled. "Got us another one"!

But then the smoke cleared, and Liquid was gone.

"Where'd he go"? A fat man asked.

Suddenly the woman felt a gun touch the back of her head.

"Hi". Liquid said as he pulled the hammer back.

"How'd you get back there"?! She yelled.

"Off-screen teleportation". "I learned it from Jason Voorhees, NOW GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS UP"!

They dropped their guns, and put their hands in the air.

"That's better". Liquid said as he took a step backward.

He was about to say something else, but that was when he noticed that there was no floor behind him. He dropped his gun as he fell into the pit, and the people laughed and pointed at his retarded ass as he got up.

"Well". The woman said. "It seems that the tables have turned, and now you are in for a real treat". "But first let me introduce myself, I'm Rosanne, this is my husband Dan, and these are our two children".

"Well, ain't that just cool"? Liquid asked. "What is this, some kind of sick ass family business"?

"As a matter of fact, it is". "A business of KILLING MOTHER FUCKERS"!

"What a surprise". "So, what, are you gonna shoot me"?

"Oh, no". Dan replied. "We got something special for troublemakers like you". "You get to play with Fluffy".

"Fluffy"?

At that second, a large cage burst open, and Liquid gasped as Nemesis stepped out.

"Get him, Fluffy"! Rosanne screamed.

Nemesis charged, and Liquid screamed like a girl as he ran away. But within seconds Nemesis caught him, and spiked him like a vollyball, making him fly across the room, and crash onto the floor.

The killers cheered as Nemesis roared, and Liquid slowly got to his feet.

"That is it"! Liquid yelled, making them all fall silent. "I'm sick of you hunting me down, so prepare for the ultimate wire-fighting manuver"! "I just hope that my wire team is READYYYYYYYY"!

Some guys holding the wire behind a screen gave Liquid the thumbs-up, and then he leaped into the air.

The special effects wires let Liquid flip over and over as he flew toward Nemesis, and then he slammed his feet into the monster's chest, knocking Nemesis off his feet, and making him crash into a bunch of paint cans.

"I can't believe that worked"! Liquid exclaimed as he was lowered down.

But suddenly Nemesis jumped up and roared as he punched Liquid, sending him soaring across the room, and making the wire team scream as they were sent flying.

The killers laughed even harder as Liquid flew, but stopped as he slammed into the support beam. Then they screamed as they fell down into the pit.

Nemesis instantly attacked, and Liquid used this distraction to climb up the wreckage, and back to safety. Then he picked up his gun, and put it back into his jacket.

He watched as Nemesis killed the killers, but then Rosanne reached the wreckage, and started climbing up.

"Please"! She yelled. "Please show some mercy on your fellow human being"! "Please pull me up before he get's me"!

Liquid smirked and started to turn away, but then he stopped, and actually started reaching toward her.

"Oh, thank you"! She yelled as his hand got closer. "Thank you, thank you, thank you"!

But instead of grabbing her hand, he reached into her shirt pocket, and took the pack of cigerettes.

"Thanks". He said as he pocketed them. "I ran out a few hours ago".

Then he kicked her in the face, and walked away as she fell back into the pit.

"Went in empty handed". He said to himself as he put one in his mouth. "And came out with free smokes... not bad at all".

He lit it up, took a hit, and it tasted like absolute shit.

"Christ"! He yelled as he looked at the box. "Marbrol Reds"! "Fucking gross"!

He dropped the box, and flicked the cigerette back in the front door. Then he turned away, and a sudden explosion made him fly 6 feet before crashing to the ground.

"Well, that was random"! He yelled as he got up.

He looked, and saw that the whole radio station had burst into flames.

"Oh, I get it". He said as he walked back to his bike. "NOW the cigerettes want to make things blow up". "Where the hell was that when I was fighting chief mendez in that god damn village"?

Once he was back to the bike, he fired it up, and took off down the highway.


	4. Claire Redfield's Convoy

At the same time in another part of the desert, a large convoy that looked like something out of Mad Max was flying down the road.

In the front vehical, Carlos was driving and LJ was in the passenger seat.

"Yeah, man". Carlos said. "When I worked for umbrella, we got sent all over the world". "I was in France before Raccoon City, and it was totally different".

"Oh yeah"? LJ asked. "How so"?

"Well, TV for one thing". "They don't call those cartoon dogs pound puppies over there".

"They don't call them pound puppies"?

"No, cause they don't have pounds in France, they have the metric system". "So instead of pound puppies, they get called Los Puppies Roy-al".

"No way".

"Way". "And did you know that in Morocco, Morocco Mole is just called Mole"?

LJ just looked at him for a second.

"Man". LJ said. "Just shut the fuck up".

"I'm serious". Carlos replied.

"So am I, just shut the fuck up".

Suddenly the radio crackled to life, making them jump, and then the voice of doom spoke.

"Listen up, assholes"! Claire yelled. "Thanks to your male incompitence, we are running late to our next objective"!

"We're always running late". Carlos replied. "You filthy skank".

"WHAT DID YOU SAY"?!

"I said... um... I can't wait to get a fish tank".

"Oh... neither can I". "Anyway, not only are we late, but after looking at the map, I have determined that we are now lost"!

"It's impossible for us to have gotten lost just now". LJ replied.

"And why is that"?

"Because we've been lost for hours".

Suddenly there was a loud crackling sound, and the radio went dead, but they could still hear Claire screaming her rage in the other truck.

"You think she's pissed"? Carlos asked.

"Nayh". LJ replied. "We're good".

Meanwhile as the convoy drove on, Liquid found himself in need of gas, so he pulled up to an abandoned service station.

"Gas $6.00 a gallon"? He asked as he read the sign. "Well guess what, I ain't payin shit, you communist assholes".

He killed the engine, stepped off the bike, and walked up to the building. Then he kicked open the door, drew his gun, and put a two bullets into a maniquin. One in the head, and one in the nuts.

"Crack shot". Liquid said as he put the gun away. "I was aiming for his chest, but that's ok because it's time for me to steal everything that isn't nailed down".

He grabbed a large backpack off the wall and began filling it up with potato chips, candy bars, beer, cigerettes, and beef jerky.

Once the bag was full, he put it on his back and was about to leave, but then he heard something from the back room.

"God damn it". He said as he took out the 9mm. "Fucking looters trying to steal shit before I can".

He kicked open the door, and saw a man standing on a chair, with a rope around his neck.

"Ok". Liquid said as he lowered the gun. "I give up, what are you supposed to be"?

"I'M A SUICIDAL MANIAC"! He screamed. "A MADMAN, I TELL YOU"! "A DESPERATE FOOL AT THE END OF HIS ROPE, NO PUN INTENDED"!

"Damn". "I was gonna guess Janet Reno, but that's close enough".

"DON'T COME ANY CLOSER"! "I CAN'T STAND THIS ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE ANYMORE"! "I'M GONNA KILL MYSELF"!

Liquid quickly put his gun away, and put his hands up.

"Alright, relax for a second". Liquid said. "I disaprove of suicide more then anything, so I'm here to help you get through this".

"Really"?

"Yeah".

Liquid suddenly kicked the chair out from under him, making him gag as he fell.

"There". Liquid said. "Now it's murder, and that's better then suicide, so don't you feel better now"? "I know I do".

He started to turn away, but then stopped and picked up a small diary. Upon opening it, Liquid found a bunch of boo-hoo letters, some confession that said something about a grassy knoll, and detailed information about a safe zone in Alaska.

"Alaska"? He asked as he pocketed it. "No wonder you wanted to die". "Anything's better then Alaska".

He then walked out of the service station, and started searching for the remaining gas.


	5. Dr Issacs New Zombie

Down in umbrella's secret underground base, a meeting was being held of the highest importance.

"Ok, mother fuckers". Wesker said. "Here's the situation". "We basically screwed ourselves with the whole t-virus thing, and now we need to fix it before our bases are over run, and we all get eaten... kind of like what is about to happen to the moscow facility".

"What"? The russian asked.

Suddenly he screamed as two zombies jumped on him, and the image dissapeared.

"Excuse me, sir". Issacs said as he walked in.

"Ah, Dr. Issacs". Wesker replied. "Have you come to us with a genious idea that will save us from this zombie nightmare that you in fact created"?

"No, I was just looking for the bathroom".

He quickly turned around, and started to leave.

"NOT SO FAST"! Wesker screamed, stopping him in his tracks. "Maybe you didn't hear me".

"I heard you, wesker". He replied. "But the only thing I got going is the Liquid clone project".

"What the fuck is that"?

"A project designed to use cloned Liquid's in order to make a cure".

"Not that, I was asking about that thing in the brazil facility".

Suddenly the representitive from brazil screamed as he was grabbed by a tentacle, and his image dissapeared.

"So". Wesker continued. "About your project".

"They're stupid". He replied. "One couldn't spell 'encyclopedia', another one couldn't beat 'dance dance revolution', and another one shot himself while trying to open a jar of peanut butter".

"Shot himself opening peanut butter"? "How the fuck does that even happen"?

"It wouldn't happen if we could just find the original".

"Good, so do it or I'll have your balls on a plate". "You have three days". "Ready, go".

All of the images suddenly dissapeared, and Issacs stormed out of the room.

"Stupid little ass clown". He grumbled as he walked. "He wouldn't be so blind to our situation if he ever took thoes damn sunglasses off".

He came to another door, and it opened, revealing two more scientists in a glass room with a zombie that looked alot like Liquid.

"How's it coming"? Issacs asked.

"Good". A scientist replied. "We are about to give him a cell phone".

They tossed a phone on the table, and the chained zombie picked it up.

"Excellent". Issacs said. "Teaching these Zombie-Liquid's how to use a cell phone is only step one in my plan to conquer the world, MUAHAHAHAHAHAH"!

"Sir". The other scientist said. "I'm afraid that you've gone mad with power".

"Of course I have". "Have you ever tried going mad without power"? "It's boring, nobody listens to you".

Suddenly they all jumped back as the zombie-liquid let out an angry roar.

"No service"?! He yelled as he looked at the phone. "THAT'S BULLSHIT"!

Zombie-Liquid shattered the phone, then Issacs ran out of the room and seeled the door just as the monster tossed the table out of the way.

"LET US OUT"! The two scientists screamed as they banged on the door.

"Love to". Issacs replied. "But I'm the main villan of this movie, so how would it look if I helped someone out"?

"Well, I guess that you have a point".

"Excuse me". Zombie-Liquid said. "But when you girls are done kissing, I have some ass kicking for you"!

The scientists spun around and drew their guns. Then they started firing, but to their horror, Zombie-Liquid simply river-danced out of the bullets paths.

"Well, fuck"! One of the scientists yelled.

Zombie-Liquid suddenly picked up a chair, and busted one of them in the head with it, killing him instantly. Then he kicked the other scientist in the nuts, dropping him to his hands and knees.

"Bad news, sports fans". Zombie-Liquid said as he grabbed the scientist's head. "YOU JUST GOT SERVED"!

He then broke the scientist's neck, and started river dancing as Issacs walked away.

Meanwhile, back on the open road, Claire's convoy had stopped at what used to be a hotel in order to get more supplies.

Everything was going fine, until there were some gun shots, and LJ came out covered in blood.

"What happened to you"? Carlos asked.

"Cat". He replied.

"A cat ripped your entire arm off"?

LJ quickly put what was left of his arm behind his back.

"What the fuck is taking so long"? Claire demanded as she walked up to them.

"LJ lost his arm". Carlos replied.

"Ok, one time I lost my boyfriend when he tied his own hands and feet togather and accidently fell into a wood chipper". "But do you see me standing around like a little bitch"?

"Not a little one".

"That's right... what"?

"Huh"?

"WHATEVER"! "JUST GET YOUR ASSES BACK ON THE FUCKING TRUCKS RIGHT THE HELL NOW"!

A few minutes later they got on the trucks and rolled out.

"Are you sure you're alright"? Carlos asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine". LJ replied. "But for some reason, all I can think about is eating brains".

"Oh, so nothing serious then"? "Cool".

The convoy got back on the highway, and started moving.


	6. By The Campfire

Night had fallen, and Liquid was almost out of gas, so he decided to pull over and make a fire for the night.

"Ok". He said as he sat down with a guitar. "I'd like to dedicate this song to anyone who can hear it, since I'm stuck IN THE MIDDLE OF FRICKEN NOWHERE"!

He then cleared his throat, and began to play.

"Honey came in and caught me red handed". Liquid sang. "Creepin with the girl next door". "Picture this, we were both butt naked, bangin on the bathroom floor". "How could I forget that I had given her an extra key"? "All this time she was standing there, she never took her eyes off me".

As Liquid continued with his song, he didn't notice that several rocks and his motorcycle were starting to lift off the ground.

"But she caught me on the counter". Liquid sang. "It wasn't me". "She saw me bangin on the sofa, it wasn't me". "I even had her in the shower, it wasn't me".

Suddenly all of the hovering objects fell to the ground, and Liquid jumped back as a rock shattered his guitar.

"What the fuck"?! He yelled. "Was I off key, or something"?

He sat there for a second wondering about how that could have just happened, but then he heard voices.

"Worthless, you are"! Yoda yelled. "Even a simple task, you cannot do"!

"I'm sorry, master Yoda". Luke whined.

"Sorrier, there is no one"! "Reproduce, you never should"! "Kill yourself, you must"!

"HEY"! Liquid yelled as he walked over to them. "What the fuck did you do to my bike"?!

"Done it now, you have"! Yoda screamed at Luke. "Need this kind of heat, I do not"! "This mother fucker, you must kill"! "Wittnesses, there must be none"!

"Gee willikers"! Luke screamed as he took out his lightsaber. "I've always wanted to kill someone"!

He activated the blue blade, and screamed as he charged at Liquid. But Liquid simply kicked him in the nuts, and took the lightsaber as Luke fell to his hands and knees.

"Thanks". Liquid said as he looked at the weapon. "But blue just isn't my color".

He turned a knob at the bottom, changing the blade color to dark purple.

"Much better". He said. "Samual L. Jackson would be proud".

He then cut Luke's head off, and turned to face Yoda.

"Hey". Liquid said. "Didn't I turn you into a smoothie a few years back"?

"COCKSUCKER, YOU ARE"! Yoda screamed. "KILL YOUR ASS, I WILL"!

He drew his lightsaber and charged, but Liquid raised his 9mm, and shot him in the head.

"That's what you get for wrecking my bike". Liquid said. "Now what the hell am I gonna do... what is that"?

He walked over to Yoda's body, and saw a ring on his hand, so he picked it up.

"The ring of the schwartz"! He exclaimed as he put it on. "This may come in handy some day".

He did one last check to see if there was anything worth taking, but there wasn't, so he started back toward his fire.

Someone was waiting for him.

"Hey, Liquid". Sabertooth said. "What the fuck did you do to your bike"?

Liquid responded to this by raising his 9mm, pressing the barrel into her forhead, and pulling the hammer back.

"If you're here to kill me". Liquid said. "Just be aware that I have no problem with blowing your brains out".

"Relax, assclown". She replied. "I'm not here to kill you".

"Prove it".

"Ok, you aren't dead".

"That's funny".

"Ok, then how about this"?

She suddenly grabbed the gun, spun it around, aimed at his foot, and pulled the trigger.

(click).

"What the"? She asked.

"You caught me off guard". He replied. "I didn't have time to take the gun back, but I did manage to take the clip out". "I also took your wallet, and your last piece of gum".

She checked her pockets, and then Liquid held out his hand with the clip, the wallet, and the gum in his palm.

"How do you do that"? She asked.

"What"? He replied.

"All someone has to do is touch you for a split second, and suddenly their pockets are empty". "That's bullshit"! "Now give me back my stuff".

He gave her the wallet and gum, so she handed back the gun.

"Ok, so why are you here"? Liquid asked as he reloaded.

"I came here to give you these". She said as she reached into her pocket.

She had two crystals. One big and one small, and both a strange blood red color.

"What are thoes"? He asked.

She looked around to see if anyone was listening, then she whispered something in his ear.

"No shit"? He asked as he took the crystals. "If you're right, then I'll be able to... wait a second, I already had him killed in the Fable universe".

She whispered something else.

"Aw, man". Liquid grumbled. "Alright, I'll see what I can do".

"Good luck, Liquid". She replied. "I have to get out of here before Xing figures out that I'm here".

She suddenly vanished, and Liquid looked at the crystals.

"Guess I've got some work to do". He said as he sat by the fire.


	7. Attack On The Convoy

After driving around aimlessly for a day or so, the convoy decided to stop for gas, and the Can-Man was giving out food.

"Corn". He said as he shook it.

He handed it to a man, and when he opened it he screamed as the spring loaded snake shot out.

"I got you good, fucker"! Can Man yelled. "Now get the hell away from me"! "NEXT"!

He picked up another can and shook it as a kid walked up.

"Cat food". Can Man said.

"Aw, man". The kid whined.

"Oh, ungrateful huh"? "Well, if you don't want the cat food, then take this"!

He then whipped the can at the kid as hard as he could, busting him in the head.

"Taste good"? Can Man asked. "LITTLE SON OF A BITCH"!

Meanwhile at another vehical, LJ was getting checked out by Betty.

"So what do you think it is, Nurse Betty"? LJ asked.

"Well, it's not good". She replied. "Your body temperature is only 62.3 degrees, your limbs are starting to freeze up, you have no heart beat or pulse, and you have dark puffy swelling around the eyes".

"You mean..."?

"Yes... I'm afraid that you have pink eye".

(Dramatic chord is played)

"Pink eye"?! He yelled. "WHY ME, GOD"?! "WWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYY"?!

"I understand your pain". Betty replied. "But since we have no medicine for pink eye around here, the pain might get so bad that you will want to take your own life... you will need this".

She reached into her bag, and then handed him a toaster along with a large bucket of water.

"LJ"! Carlos screamed as he ran toward them. "LOOK WHAT I FOUND"!

Everyone's eyes lit up as they saw what he held. Many did not believe, but there it was...

A Kit-Kat bar.

"A 1-2-3-4"! Carlos yelled. "Gimme a break"! "Gimme a break"! "Break me off a piece of that Kit-Kat bar"!

"That chocholate taste"! LJ sang. "Is gonna make your day"! "So where ever you go, you hear the people say"!

"Gimme a break"! Everyone sang. "Gimme a break"! "I wanna take a break with that, break me off a piece of that, break me off a piece of that

Suddenly everyone stopped as some gunshots were fired into the air, and they looked up to see Claire getting out of her vehical.

"What in the wide wide world of sports is going on here"?! She yelled. "I hired you people to get some fuel, NOT TO JUMP AROUND LIKE A BUNCH OF KANSAS CITY FAGGOTS"!

Everyone just hung their heads, and Claire started walking away, but then she stopped as walked up to one of the guys.

"What's that in your mouth"?! She demanded.

"Nothin". He replied.

"Nothin, huh"?

She reached into his mouth and pulled out a piece of gum.

"Chewing gum on the job, huh"? She asked. "Well, I hope you brought enough for everybody"!

"Well, uh...". He stammered. "I didn't know there was gonna be so many people".

Claire suddenly drew her gun, and shot him in the head.

"Damn, is she strict". LJ said.

"Yeah". Carlos replied. "Annoying bitch needs to get laid".

"WHAT DID YOU SAY"?! Claire screamed.

"I said, uh, I wish we were getting paid".

"Oh... me too". "Carry on".

She started walking away, but suddenly a large shadow appeared over the entire convoy. So she looked up and gasped at what she saw.

"OH FUCK"! She screamed. "PERSIANS"!

Everyone dove into the vehicals just before a rain of thousands of arrows began falling down on them.

After a few minutes the arrows stopped, and as the sun came back out they saw that the convoy was surrounded by thousands of Persian soldiers.

"Convoy survivors"! Their leader yelled. "Lay down your weapons, and surrender to the god king"! "Your men will build his pyramids, your women will be his sex slaves, and your children will work in sweat shops making nike shoes"!

"God damn it, not again"! Carlos yelled. "What is it with these guys"?

"Don't worry". Claire replied. "All we have to do is funnel them into the hot gates, and their numbers will count for nothing".

"But we're in the middle of an open desert".

"Well, SHIT"!

Meanwhile in the other vehical.

"We have no choice but to surrender". Betty said. "I will sacrifice myself to save the lives of all".

"Oh, you wanna be a martyr, huh"? LJ asked. "Hey everyone, look at the martyr". "Watch out now, there's a martyr coming through".

"Hey, LJ". "Douchebag says what".

"What"?

"HA HA, you dumbass"! "See you later".

She stepped outside and closed the door.

"Persians"! She called. "We surren

She was interupted by a sword going through her head.

"HOLY CRAP"! Claire and Carlos yelled.

"Holy crap is right"! The persian leader replied. "And it's coming to you directly from the god king's asshole"! "LET'S KILL THESE MOTHER FUCKERS"!

The persian army charged, but suddenly stopped when someone appeared wearing a red cape and a spartan helmet.

"OH FUCK"! The leader screamed. "IT'S LEONIDAS"!

The persians screamed and ran away as the spartan walked up to the convoy. Then he dropped the red cape, and tossed the helmet away to reveal that it was...

"Liquid"? Carlos and LJ asked.

"HA"! Liquid said. "And they said that my spartan costume would never come in handy"! "Oh, you'll never run into a massive persian army, they said". "WELL, WHO'S LAUGHING NOW, FUCKERS"! "Now which one of you guys has a beer"?

"You know this guy"? Claire asked.


	8. The Reunion

Everyone slowly got out of the vehicals as Liquid reached the convoy.

"Well, well, well". Carlos said as he walked up to him. "If it isn't Liquid". "Where did you dissapear to after detroit, anyway"?

"I didn't dissapear". Liquid replied. "You assholes drove off while I was in the bathroom".

"Oh yeah, that's right". "No hard feelings"?

"No, none at all".

Liquid suddenly kicked Carlos in the nuts, dropping him to his hands and knees.

"There, now we're even". Liquid said. "Now where the hell is Jill"?

"She's gone". Carlos replied.

"Ok, then what about Angela"? "She has to be about 16 by now".

"She's gone too". "The actors didn't want to be in this movie, so the director just went with it because most of the dumbasses who watched this movie just figured that they died or something".

"THAT'S BULLSHIT"! "Jill was really hot, too". "Now I'm depressed as I think of all the good times...".

(FLASHBACK).

They dove behind a dumpster as Nemesis continued firing.

"We need a diversion"! Jill yelled.

"Like what"?! Liquid replied.

Jill then grabbed him, kneed him in the face, and tossed him down the hill to where Nemesis was waiting.

"OH SHIT"! Liquid screamed as the monster aimed at him.

(FLASHFORWARD).

"On second thought". Liquid continued. "I'm glad the bitch is dead".

At that instant, zombie LJ kicked open a car door, and jumped out.

"LJ"! Liquid yelled as he drew his 9mm.

He fired, putting a round right into zombie LJ's head, killing him instantly.

"Wow". Carlos said as he got up. "How did you know he was a zombie"?

"He was a zombie"? Liquid asked. "I mean, of course he was a zombie". "Any idiot could've seen that".

Suddenly there were gunshots fired into the air, and everyone except Liquid cowered in fear as Claire walked out.

"So this is the infamous Liquid". She said. "My brother told me all about you".

"Well, I know who I am". Liquid replied as he looked her up and down. "But who might you be, cutie"?

She suddenly hit him in the face with her gun, making him fall on his ass.

"I'm Claire Redfield"! She yelled as he got up. "I am the master of this convoy, and since you are now in the convoy, that makes me the master of you as well"!

"Holy Christ". Liquid replied. "You're an even bigger bitch then Rebecca".

"WHAT DID YOU SAY"?!

"I said BITCH"! "Loud enough for you"?

Claire screamed as she speared him to the ground, then she began headbutting him.

"Claire stop"! Carlos yelled. "Don't touch him"!

After a few more headbutts, Claire stopped and stood back up.

"There". She said. "I have once again proven myself superior... what the hell"? "...where did my shoes go"?

"He has them"! Carlos yelled.

"Carlos, you squealing homo"! Liquid replied.

Claire kicked Liquid in the face, and took the bag off his back. Then she opened it, and dumped it on the ground. There was Claire's shoes, her watch, her wallet, her chapstick, her sunglasses, her hat, and her bra.

"What the"?! She yelled as she looked down her shirt. "HOW THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT"?!

"It's a talent". Liquid replied. "But atleast now we know that they're real".

Steam began to come out of Claire's ears, and her face became deep red with anger.

"Uh, oh". Liquid said. "Maybe I went too far".

She then took the tazer off of her belt, and jammed it into Liquid's head, completely draining the battery.

Liquid was now passed out, and the color slowly came back to Claire's face.

"Carlos, tie him up". She ordered as she walked away. "He shall die at dawn".

(Dramatic music is played).

A few hours later the sun set, and Claire went to sleep.

"Stupid asses". She said in her sleep. "You're all my slaves... no mercy for the weak... yes, Harrison Ford, you may rub my feet...".

Suddenly there was the sound of a gun hammer being pulled back, and she woke up to see Liquid pointing his 9mm right at her face.

"Hi". He said.

"You again"?! She exclaimed. "How did you get free"!? "I had Carlos tie you up"!

"Carlos wears velcro shoes for a reason, Claire". "AND NOW I'M GONNA BLOW YOUR GOD DAMN BRAINS OUT"!

Claire quickly reached under her pillow, but there was nothing there.

"I took that gun". Liquid said.

She reached into her boot, but there was nothing.

"I took that one, too". Liquid continued.

She then reached under the blanket.

"I found that one, too Claire". He continued.

She felt around under the blanket for a second, and to Liquid's surprise, she now had a 45 aimed at his face.

"What the"? He asked. "Where was that one"?

"Don't worry about it". She replied as she pulled the hammer back. "Goodbye, Liquid"!

They both just stood there for a minute.

"What's wrong, Liquid"? She asked. "Why haven't you shot"?

"Probably the same reason that you haven't". He replied. "If I shoot you in the head, your hand will tighten up, causing you to shoot me in the same place".

"Then I guess we have a stalemate, huh"? "That's good, because I can go without sleep for three days".

"Oh yeah"? "Well before I found your convoy, I broke into a coffie factory". "I'll be lucky if I ever sleep again".

They just stood there for another few minutes.

"What the fuck do we do now"? Claire asked.


	9. Liquid Vs Claire

"Stupid asshole Wesker". Issacs grumbled as he walked back into his office. "You only give me a few days to accomplish the impossible, but you don't want to let me use everything at my disposal, huh"? "Well, I got something for your gumby ass".

He turned on his computer, and brought up an image of Wesker. Then he typed up a message for it to say, and matched it to the audio.

"Ok". He said as he finished. "Let's see how this sounds".

"Listen up, douchebags". The fake Wesker said. "Issacs is now in charge of the las vegas facility, and has my approval to do whatever the hell he wants". "Also, I like to suck cock". "I got my ass beat every day in high school, yet I found it strangely arousing". "Now someone get me some new speedos... and that's an order".

"Perfect". Issacs said as he sent the message.

He then got up from his desk, and walked into the back room where his specimens were being monitored.

There were now 40 Zombie-Liquids in the holding cell. Some of them were kicking eachother in the nuts, some were having a break dance battle, and the rest were trying to figure out how to get the bottle of Jack that was hanging 15 feet above them.

"Yes". Issacs said. "Soon we shall have the original".

Meanwhile, then sun had risin where the convoy had stopped, and everyone was getting outside to stretch and stuff.

Suddenly the back door of Claire's vehical flew open, and Liquid screamed as he was launched out, wearing nothing but his spongebob boxers.

"Worthless asshole"! Claire yelled as he hit the ground. "Stupid son of a bitch"!

She then began tossing his stuff at him.

"What the hell is your problem"?! Liquid yelled as she tossed the last of his things.

"Mother fucker"! She replied. "You was snoring"!

"But everyone snores"!

"NOT DURING SEX THEY DON'T"!

She slammed the door shut, and everyone started laughing at Liquid as he got dressed.

"Ok, laugh it up". Liquid said as he put his boots on. "When's the last time you guys got any, huh"?

He got to his feet, and lit up his last cigerette as he sat on one of the other vehicals.

"Hey". A blonde girl said. "You're in my spot".

"Yeah"? He asked. "And who are you"?

"K-mart".

Liquid stopped for a second.

"Say what"? He asked.

"My name is K-mart". She replied. "And you are in my spot".

"Wow, you had suck-ass parents".

"It's not my real name, jackass". "I just like K-mart better".

"Ok, so what kind of a name could possibly be worse then K-mart"?

"It used to be Latrine".

"Good change, I guess". "Oh well, good to meet you, Sears".

"K-mart".

"Oh, sorry Walmart".

Liquid laughed as she stomped away. Then a few minutes later Claire got out of her vehical.

"Ok fucktards". She said. "Listen up, we are low on fuel again, and all of the middle of nowhere gas stations have been used up". "Therefore, we have no choice but to hit Las Vegas".

(Dramatic chord is played).

"So that's the plan". She continued. "We leave in 30 minutes, but I have to take care of something first". "Come here, Liquid".

Everyone cleared a path as Liquid put out his cigerette. Then he stood up, and started walking toward her.

"Dead man walking". Everyone began chanting. "Dead man walking, dead man walking".

"What"? Liquid asked as he reached her.

"I'm going to tear you apart". She replied. "With my bare hands". "Listen up everyone, none of you are to interfere". "This will be a battle of personal pride of the upmost importance". "But if he starts to win, shoot him".

Liquid suddenly raised his 9mm, but Carlos shot it out of his hand.

"GOD DAMN YOU, CARLOS"! He screamed.

"So". Claire said. "You want to play like that, huh"? "Well, that's fine because you left this in my vehical".

She reached under her jacket, and took out Liquid's lightsaber.

"Oh, shit". He said as she activated it.

She suddenly ran at him and brought the blade down, but at the last second a laser blade extended from Liquid's schwartz ring, blocking it. Claire then kicked him in the stomach, lifting him off his feet, and making him slam into another vehical.

"Holy crap, you're strong"! Liquid gasped as he got up.

"You ain't seen nothing yet". She replied.

She ran at him again for another attack, but he rolled out of the way at the last second, making the camera man scream as Claire's blade cut him in half.

"He did it"! Claire said.

"What"?! Liquid replied.

Claire suddenly swung again, but Liquid blocked. Then she shoved him backwards, making him roll backwards a few times before crashing into yet another vehical.

"Well". Liquid said as he got up. "I now understand why everyone here is afraid of you". "But I just have to ask... are you sure that you're related to Chris"?

"What do you mean"? She asked.

"Oh nothing". "But even though you're frickin wonder woman, you don't seem to have what it takes to finish me off".

"Oh yeah"? "Then see how you like this".

She raised her arm for another attack, but that's when she realised that the lightsaber was gone.

"What the"? She asked.

"Like I said". Liquid replied as he activated the lightsaber. "You don't have what it takes to finish me, because I just took it from you".

It was now Claire's turn to run away as Liquid came at her while swinging both blades wildly, and screaming like a lunitic.

He chased her around and around the convoy, stopping only when he heard the sound of a hundred guns cocking. Then he looked around and saw that everyone in the convoy was aiming at him.

"Oh, god damn it"! He yelled as he switched off the blades.

"Ok, time's up". Claire said. "I would have them gun you down like a dog, but we have a schedual to keep, so this will have to be enough".

She suddenly punched him in the head, knocking him on his ass.

"Ok everyone, move out"! She ordered as she walked back to her vehical.

Everyone went back to their vehicals, and Liquid jumped on the back of one as it was leaving.

"Damn devil bitch". He grumbled as he held on.


	10. Welcome To Las Vegas

The convoy continued moving toward where they thought Las Vegas should be, and Claire figured that since they were about to do something very dangerous and stupid, she should give a motivational speech.

"Ok dickheads, listen up". She said over the radio. "We are about to embark on an extremely hazerdous and risky mission to get fuel from one of the largest and most zombie filled cities on the planet". "But remember that while you will only be risking your lives, I will be risking an almost certain academy award nomination for best supporting actress in a scifi-horror film, so take that knowledge with you and let that be your tackling fuel".

A few hours later...

"Where the fuck is this place"? Claire asked. "Stop for a second so I can look around".

Carlos stopped so that she could get out, then the vehicals continued moving past her as they gathered for a rest stop. She was about to look over a ridge, when the last vehical past her, and Liquid did a kamakazzi scream as he leapt from the vehical, and tackled her.

This caused them both to roll down a large sand dune.

"Ok". Liquid said as they got up. "Let's finish this now that your friends are way the hell back up there".

Claire wasted no time in punching him in the stomach, then she grabbed some sand to throw in his eyes, but he blew at it as hard as he could, making Claire scream as the sand flew into her eyes.

Liquid used this opportunity to go for a punch, but Claire moved at the last second, causing his fist to hit something metal. Then as Liquid cried about his hand, the sand fell away from what he hit, revealing a sign.

It read: WELCOME TO LAS VEGAS.

"Sweet"! Claire yelled. "HEY ASSHOLES, I FOUND IT"!

The convoy started moving toward them, then Claire grabbed Liquid by the throat and started strangling him. But then he boxed her ears, broke her grip, and punched but she caught it. Then she threw a punch with her other hand, and he caught it.

The rest of the convoy had parked, and they were watching as Claire and Liquid stood there for several minutes trying to overpower eachother. But suddenly they threw their arms around eachother and started kissing.

"What kind of crap is that"?! Carlos yelled. "I bet 2 cartons of cigerettes on her"!

But the happiness was interupted as the sound of a helicopter filled the air, and a second later a very large metal container was dropped, making everyone dive out of the way as it crashed to the ground.

"What the fuck is that"? Carlos asked.

They got their answer a second later as the door on the container fell open, and Zombie-Liquid walked out.

"I say again". Carlos continued. "What the fuck is that"?

Zombie-Liquid snapped his fingers, and the other 44 zombie-Liquids ran out, quickly forming a circle around the entire convoy.

"HA HA"! Zombie-Liquid yelled. "Now we've got you"!

"My god, you're gross". Liquid replied.

"Yeah"? "I may be gross, but you are about to be SERVED"!

He snapped his fingers again, and all the other zombie-liquids ran into the center of the group.

"The rest of you can leave". He continued. "Today we only want HIM"!

"Ok". Claire said. "But can we stay and watch his horrible death"?

"Sure".

"Fuck you, too Claire". Liquid replied. "Who are you guys anyway"?

"I'm bad Liquid". Zombie-Liquid said. "And you're good Liquid". "You're little goody two shoes Liquid".

Zombie-Liquid began dancing, then he smacked Liquid in the face.

"Little goody two shoes"! He yelled. "Little goody two shoes"!

However, his song was ended as Liquid slammed his foot into Zombie-Liquid's nuts, dropping him to his hands and knees.

"News flash, asshole"! Liquid yelled. "There is no such thing as a GOOD Liquid"!

"KICK HIS ASS"! Zombie Liquid yelled.

The other zombie-liquid's attacked, so Liquid kicked the first one in the stomach, then pulled his leg back to kick the one coming up behind him. Then he activated his Lightsaber, and chopped two of their heads off.

A few more advanced, but they got sliced in half as well, then they seemed to stay back.

"I mean, come on". Liquid said. "How do you guys honestly expect to beat me"?

At that exact second, and umbrella satilight licked onto Liquid's signal. Then it shot out a clothes-pin and a second later it clipped into the top of Liquid's right ear, making him gasp as his entire body froze up.

"Good... answer". He gasped.

Zombie-Liquid laughed as he got up, and pushed Liquid over like he was nothing. Then he leaned over and got right in his face.

"YOU JUST GOT SERVED"! He screamed. "NOW LET'S KILL THESE MOTHER FUCKERS"!

Everyone screamed as the zombie-liquids ran at them.


	11. Wrath Of The Zombie Liquids

Before anyone could react, the zombie-liquid's formed a circle around them.

"HA HA"! Zombie-Liquid yelled. "You are trapped, outnumbered, and completely FUCKED"! "What do you think about that"?

"I think". Carlos replied. "That your mamma's so fat, she takes up both sides of the family".

"Yeah"? "Well, your mamma's so dumb, she thought a quarterback was a refund".

"Your mamma's so fat, her pants size is, um, um, um, BITCH LOSE SOME WEIGHT"!

"Your mamma's so dumb, she traded her car for gas money".

"Your mamma's so fat, she wore a red sweater and the kids yelled, hey kool-aid"!

"Your mamma's so dumb, someone said it was chilly outside, so she grabbed a spoon".

"Your mamma is so hairy, the only language she can speak is frickin Wookie".

Carlos raised up his arms and did a wookie roar, and Zombie-Liquid was about to say something else, but Carlos kept doing a wookie roar to interupt him.

"HA HA"! Carlos yelled. "You got nothin, bitch"!

"Oh yeah"? Zombie-Liquid asked.

He then pulled his leg back, and slammed his foot into Carlos's nuts.

"JESUS CHRIST"! Carlos screamed as he fell over.

"YES"! Zombie-Liquid screamed. "And now you will all die like the worthless bastards you are"!

"Hold on a second"! Claire yelled. "You may have us outnumbered, and we may be about to be served, but you made one mistake".

"Oh yeah"? "And what is that"?

"Well, um, actually I'm still working on that, but I'm sure that you made one, um, somewhere".

Meanwhile in an observation tent located about 50 feet away on the only one story building in all of las vegas, Dr. Issacs and a few scientists were monitoring the situation.

"What's wrong with them"? A scientist asked. "Why don't they just attack"?

"Because, moron". Issacs replied. "These zombies are based on the original Liquid".

"So what"?

"That means that half the shit they do won't make any sence, and the other half is just for personal gain".

"Then why did you use them"?

"Because the original Liquid is incredibly sadistic and corrupt". "I figured that... oh, why am I explaining myself to you"?

He then took out his gun, and shot the scientist in the head, realising only to late that he had just given away his position.

"What the fuck was that"? Zombie-Liquid asked as he looked around. "IT'S AN AMBUSH"! "FUCKING KILL EVERYONE"!

The zombie-liquids attacked, and the screaming began. Soon the Can Man was dead, as well as K-Mart, and even that asshole in the cowboy hat. Then a zombie-liquid bit Carlos as three more kicked Claire, making her roll down a smaller sand dune to where Liquid was laying.

"Liquid, wake up"! She yelled.

"Can't... move". He gasped. "Clothes... pin".

She ripped the clothespin off his ear, and pulled him to his feet.

"Alright, asshole"! She screamed. "These things are just like you, so it's your job to kill them and save the day"!

Liquid looked at the battle, and saw Carlos getting stomped by 5 zombie-liquids LAPD style. He also saw other people from the convoy getting ripped in half, along with other horrible deaths.

"Ok, Claire". Liquid said. "The time has come to act, and act fast". "Therefore, I'm leaving".

He started to run away, but she grabbed him, and pulled him back.

"No way, mother fucker"! She yelled. "You are going out there to save us, wiether you like it or not"!

She then picked him up over her head, and he screamed as she tossed him right into the middle of the battle.

"Well, look who it is". Zombie-Liquid said as Liquid landed. "Now I'm gonna seriously fuck you up"!

He charged, but Liquid instantly activated his lightsaber, and cut Zombie-Liquid verticaly in half.

"Ok, fake Liquid's, listen up"! Liquid yelled. "Everyone wants to be me, but none of you ever will because I hold the purple blade of Samual L. Jackson, as well as this flask of homemade moonshine that makes me feel invincible"!

He then took a flask off of his ankle holster, and quickly drank it.

"Ok, now everyone from the convoy, listen up"! Liquid yelled. "All you have to do is pinch their right ears and they will collapse like a bunch of broccoli"! "Sure you might get maimed or killed in the process, but that's a risk I'm willing to take"! "Because they may take our lives, BUT THEY WILL NEVER TAKE OUR BAGPIPES... or something like that... you get the idea"!

Liquid screamed as he ran at the monsters, and started cutting them down like trees. The others also attacked, and to everyone's surprise, Liquid's advice seemed to be working.

It was then that Liquid noticed the tent on the small building.

"Beer tent at 3 o'clock"! He yelled as he ran toward it.

"Oh, shit"! Issacs yelled as Liquid and a few zombie-liquid's barged in.

He ran away as the other scientists got killed, and he was getting into the escape chopper when a zombie-liquid grabbed him and bit him in the arm.

A second later Liquid cut the zombie-liquid's head off, but Issacs kicked him in the face, allowing him to escape.

"Damn it"! Liquid yelled as the chopper flew off. "Not even any beer in there... that guy did look fimiliar, though".

"Moron". Claire said as she walked up to him. "That was Dr. Issacs".

"Who"?

"The one in charge of umbrella's evilest experiments".

"Oh, I was gonna guess that he was Dr. Phil". "I was WAY off, huh"?

"Not important". "Now we can follow him to his secret base, and take their helicopters to reach that place you told me about...um... Alaska"!

"We can"? "I mean, of course we can"! "So let's go"!

Meanwhile back at the hidden underground umbrella base, Dr. Issacs was in his lab, injecting things into his arm.

"Ok, asshole". The chief said as he walked in. "You fucked up real good this time, huh"? "So now Ultimate Supreme Executive Chairman Wesker says that I can blow your fucking brains out... what the hell are you doing with thoes viruses"?

"I'm shooting up, man". Issacs replied. "But I don't think you're gonna like the results".

Suddenly Issacs body started getting more muscley, and his hair changed into a dark blonde mullet.

"Holy crap"! The chief yelled as he raised his gun.

Unfourtionatly the chief's head was roundhouse kicked off before he could fire, and shortly after his body hit the ground, the virus change was complete, and it was no longer Dr. Issacs that stood in the lab.

"I... live". Chuck Norris gasped. "... Again".


	12. Breaching The Fence

After the last of the zombie-liquids had been destroyed, and Liquid started to sober up from his special flask, planning began for what the convoy group would do next.

"Good to see you're still alive, Carlos". Claire said. "I just hope that scratch doesn't make you useless to me".

"Nayh, I'm good". Carlos replied. "It's only an arm, a leg, one of my eyes, and my gold tooth". "Can't imagine where they got their thievery skills from".

Everyone glared at Liquid.

"What"? Liquid asked. "Be glad that they were so much like me, since they inherited my special weakness, you worhtless non-warrior mother fuckers were able to beat them". "And besides, Carlos has more important things to worry about then a few missing teeth".

"Yeah"? Carlos replied. "Like what"?

"Oh, I don't know, maybe THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE BEEN INFECTED WITH THE T-VIRUS"!

(Dramatic music is played)

"Damn". Claire said. "He's right". "You've already started to look like Bruce Willis in that movie Planet Terror".

"Aw, this is bullshit"! Carlos yelled. "Now I'm gonna turn into a flesh eating monster and try to kill you guys".

Instantly everyone had their guns pointed at him.

"I didn't mean right now"! Carlos yelled.

"Hold on a second". Claire said. "I have an idea that will allow you to not become a zombie, and also help us out alot".

"How's that"?

"I'll make you a suicide bomber". "You can run up to the umbrella place's fence screaming like a mad fool, then when your bomb explodes, you will get to splatter yourself all over the facility".

Carlos just looked at her.

"Or". Liquid said. "We could just gun him down right now, and find another way to get in".

"Well". Carlos replied. "I could go with Claire's idea...if".

"If what"? Claire asked.

"If she agrees to sleep with me".

"Sorry, Carlos". "Normally I would, but after my expierience with Liquid, I've decided to just stick to women from now on".

"LIQUID, YOU COCKSUCKER"!

"Hey, that works too". Liquid replied. "Do I still get to watch"?

"NO"! Claire screamed.

"Then no deal". Carlos said. "I won't blow myself up, and you can't make me".

"Ok then". Liquid said as he took a rag out of his pocket and held it out to Carlos. "But can you tell me if this rag smells like Chlorophorm"?

"Well, I guess it couldn't huuuuuuuuuuuuuu...

Carlos instantly lost consiousness, and fell on the ground.

A few hours later he woke up, and noticed that he was behind the wheel of a truck. A very large truck that was HEADED RIGHT FOR THE UMBRELLA FENCE!

He tried to turn the wheel, but it came off in his hands. He tried the breakes but they just moved freely. He tried the e-break, but it broke off in his hand. Then he tried to kick out the window, but it had been replaced with bulletproof glass.

A second later the truck exploded as it hit the fence, killing hundreds of zombies, and opening a huge ass hole in the wire.

"Good job, Liquid". Claire said.

"Oh, the bomb was easy". Liquid replied. "The bitch was keeping Carlos from getting out".

"Whatever, let's get one of the choppers and get the hell out of here".

What was left of the convoy moved down to the wreckage, and they quickly ran through the fence, toward the last chopper.

"Ok, everybody get on"! Claire yelled as she started the engine.

They all jumped on, and there was a cheer of victory as the chopper started lifting off the ground.

"Oops, we forgot Liquid". Claire said as they went up higher.

"But I'm right here". He replied.

Claire suddenly jammed her tazor into his leg, and then kicked him in the face, making him fall out of the chopper.

He hit the ground hard, but then he rolled over, pulled out his 9mm, and started firing at the chopper, hiting the fuel tank several times.

"Good luck, guys". Liquid groaned as they flew off. "Leaking fuel like that, you might make it to the edge of Nevada".

Soon the chopper was out of sight, so he put his gun back under his jacket, and used a large rock pile in order to get to his feet. But once he was up, he looked over the other side of the rock pile...

And that's when he saw it...

Dozens of dead Liquids tossed into a hole like garbage.

"My god". Liquid said. "These must be the best looking corpses I've ever seen". "But why would someone need so many of me"? "Most people can't even handle one".

There was only one way to find out, but Liquid really didn't want to go down into an umbrella facility.

But on the other hand, he was alone in the desert with zombies probably looking for all of the recently made dead people, so it was decided that he would go into the facility.

He walked into what was left of the cabin, and the secret elevator activated.

"I know I'm gonna regret this". He said as he went down.


	13. Into The Umbrella Lab

Down, down, down the elevator went.

"Bad idea". Liquid said to himself. "Bad idea coming down here".

He loaded his last clip into his 9mm, then the elevator stopped, and the doors opened to reveal an empty hallway complete with flickering lights, and errie silence.

"Ok, going back up". He said as he pushed the button.

Nothing happened, so he groaned as he walked into the hallway. But after about three minutes of nothing happening, he just barged down the hall, and opened the first door.

"Hold it right there"! A voice yelled.

Liquid quickly raised his gun and fired.

"Good job". The voice said again. "Use up the last of your bullets". "It's the perfect plan, so tell me, what's it like to be a complete retard"?

"Who is that"? Liquid asked. "Show yourself"!

"I'm right in front of you".

"Where"?

"The big computer that covers the entire frickin wall, maybe"?

Liquid looked, and saw a huge supercomputer that was in fact covering the entire wall.

"Ok". Liquid said. "What the fuck is going on around here"?

"My name is Deep Blue". The computer replied. "I am a supercomputer created by microsoft, but since my software isn't compatable with windows vista, they sold me to umbrella and stuck me down here".

"Hey, now I remember you"! "You were the supercomputer that lost a chess match to a 12 year old, right"?

"HE FUCKING CHEATED"! "But enough about the past". "Just stick with the subject at hand".

"Ok, what's with all the dead Liquids on the surface"?

A light suddenly came on across the room, revealing a chamber with hundreds of Liquid clones in suspended animation.

"Dr. Issacs thought". Deep Blue explained. "That he could use your blood to create a cure for the t-virus". "But all he managed to do with the data from these clones was make the zombie-liquids that you fought earlier". "You see, Issacs was never the sharpest knife in the drawrer if you know what I mean". "And now he's gone and mutated himself into a horrible monster".

"What do you mean"? Liquid asked.

A video monitor came to life, and it showed all of the scientists laying on the floor with their arms and legs ripped off.

"Ok, seen enough". Liquid continued. "It's been fun, but I gotta go".

He turned to walk away, but the door suddenly slammed shut.

"I can keep him contained for now". Deep Blue explained. "But I'm pretty sure he will break through his door before you break through that one".

"Fine". Liquid replied. "What do you want me to do"?

"It's simple". "All you have to do is go down into a maze full of traps, and fight the deadliest creature in the world to the death".

"Oh, is that all"? "YOU'RE FUCKING INSANE"!

"Liquid, before you start ranting, could you take one step to the left for me"?

"Sure".

Liquid took one step to the left, and suddenly the floor opened, making him scream as he fell.

"Oh, I forgot to mention". Deep Blue called. "There is a trap door right there MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA"!

Liquid continued screaming until he hit what felt like a rooftop, and crashed through into an all too fimiliar mansion.

Once he got up, he looked around and gasped as he realised where he was.

"The house of next tuesday"?! He yelled.

He was about to run for it, but suddenly the door was kicked off the hinges, and Liquid emptied his clip at the figure standing in the shadows.

The bullets bounced off, so Liquid tossed his now useless gun away.

"Dr. Issacs"? He asked as he reached for his lightsaber.

"Not anymore". Chuck Norris said as he stepped into the light.

"Oh".

Liquid turned heel, and ran out the other door, slamming it shut just before Chuck Norris reached it. Then the door splintered and cracked as it was struck.

"I'm gonna rip your fucking head off, Liquid"! Chuck yelled.

Liquid started running again, but stopped when he saw a bunch of letters on the ground.

"Aw, fuck"! He yelled. "I hate this Indiana Jones shit"!

The door shook again, and Liquid realised that there was only one solution.

He moved against the wall as Chuck Norris crashed through the door. He didn't see the letters, so he fell onto the spikes, and a second later Liquid used him for a stepping stone, allowing him to reach safety.

"Thanks, Chuck"! Liquid called as he ran through another door.

Liquid slammed the door shut as Chuck Norris was getting up. He was about to run, but then he noticed the air duct above him. So he jumped up, and climbed in just as Chuck Norris kicked the door down.

"Where are you, Liquid"?! He yelled.

Liquid crawled through the duct for what seemed like hours, and then stopped to rest for a second.

"Lost him". He whispered.

Not an instant after he realised what he just said, an arm broke through the duct, grabbed Liquid by the shirt collar, and pulled him down into the room below.

"NOW I'VE GOT YOU"! Chuck Norris screamed. "I've been waiting to pay you back for what you did to me in the Fable universe, so how's about a little game of 'pop goes the weasle' PLAYED WITH YOUR HEAD"!

He started to squeeze, but suddenly Liquid activated his lightsaber...

And Chuck Norris screamed as it made a large gash across his chest, causing him to drop Liquid, and back away.

"What the hell"?! Chuck Norris screamed. "How can I be bleeding"?!

"Well". Liquid said as he got up. "Let me break it down for ya".

(FLASHBACK)

"I came here to give you these". Sabertooth said as she reached into her pocket.

She had two crystals. One big and one small, and both a strange blood red color.

"What are thoes"? Liquid asked.

She looked around to see if anyone was listening, then she moved up to his ear.

"These crystals". She explained. "Contain the blood of Chuck Norris". "If you put one in your lightsaber, you should be able to hurt him because only Chuck Norris can cut Chuck Norris".

"No shit"? He asked as he took the crystals. "If you're right, then I'll be able to... wait a second, I already had him killed in the Fable universe".

"I heard Xing talking". "He's gonna bring him back in the end instead of the tyrant monster".

"Aw, man". Liquid grumbled. "Alright, I'll see what I can do".

"Good luck, Liquid". She replied. "I have to get out of here before Xing figures out that I'm here".

She suddenly vanished, and Liquid looked at the crystals.

"Guess I've got some work to do". He said as he sat by the fire.

(FLASHFORWARD)

"That's right". Liquid said as he raised the lightsaber. "You aren't so invincible anymore, SO LET'S DO THIS"!

He screamed as he ran at Chuck Norris.


	14. Final Battle: Liquid Vs Chuck Norris

Liquid swung his lightsaber, cutting Chuck Norris's arm, forcing him to back off. But before he could get ready, Liquid was on him again with wild attacks.

Chuck Norris ducked and dodged, but since he wasn't used to fighting something that could hurt him, he was forced to run through another door.

"Come back here"! Liquid yelled as he followed him.

Liquid kicked open the door, and rushed inside, only to find himself in total darkness.

"Uh, oh". He said as he tried to see.

"Welcome, Liquid". Chuck Norris replied. "I must congragulate you on creating a weapon capable of hurting me". "But you must remember that while you have only one thing that can hurt me, I have many things that can hurt you".

"Like what"?

"I'm glad you asked... LIGHTS"!

Suddenly the room lit up, revealing that he was inside a large laser room.

"Now, I know that you are an acrobatic mother fucker". Chuck continued. "And that you can probably avoid the standard umbrella laser defences".

"Yeah"? Liquid asked. "What of it"?

"That being said, I made some modifications to this room that I think you will enjoy".

"Modifications"? "You only got in here a second before I did". "How the fuck did you make modifications"?

"Because I'm Chuck Norris, bitch". "Before you got in here, I covered the entire room with green-screen material, and believe me that with as much money that they spent on special effects for this movie, anything is possible".

A laser emitter came to life at the center of the cieling, and didn't move.

"Now, watch". Chuck continued as he reached into his jacket. "AS ONE LASER BECOMES MANY"!

He took out a disco ball, and tossed it toward the emitter. It then hovered just below it, causing the laser beam to split into a hundred beams as it hit.

"Fuck"! Liquid yelled as he jumped out of the way.

He dodged left, dodged right, rolled backwards, ran up the wall, and flipped backwards to avoid the beams while Chuck Norris just stood there letting the beams wash over him.

"Very impressive, Liquid". Chuck said. "Too bad this isn't the wide world of sports". "But can you defend yourself from the beams and me at the same time"?

Liquid answered by using his lightsaber the deflect one of the beams into Chuck Norris's eyes, then he tossed the blade at the disco ball, shattering it.

The lightsaber fell, and Liquid ran to catch it, but Chuck Norris caught it first, and kicked Liquid in the stomach, sending him flying into the wall.

"Aw, what a shame". Chuck said as Liquid fell to the floor. "You seem to have lost your toy".

He looked at it for a second, then crushed it in his hand.

"So close, Liquid". He continued. "Yet so far away". "But since I'm in a better mood now, I'll tell you what". "Before I rip your heart out through your ass, I'll give you one free hit".

"Well". Liquid replied as he got up. "Ok".

He walked up to Chuck Norris, pulled his fist back, and punched him in the chest as hard as he could. This caused the smile on Chuck Norris's face to turn into a cry of agony because as Liquid punched, the laser blade extended from his schwartz ring, going right through his chest, and coming out his back.

"I forgot to tell you". Liquid explained. "I used the smaller crystal on my schwartz ring".

He then shoved Chuck Norris against the wall, and began ramming the blade into his chest again and again and again.

"This is for what you did to me in Apocalypse"! Liquid screamed as he kept stabbing. "This is for RE2 Scenario B"! "This is for Gun Survivor"! "This is for coming back to life"! "AND THIS IS FOR NOT GIVING ME ANY MORE THINGS TO STAB YOU FOR"!

Liquid went for one more stab, but Chuck managed to catch his wrist, and twist it, making Liquid fall to his knees.

"Little... fucker"! Chuck Norris gasped as he took the ring off Liquid's finger.

He then crushed it, and uppercutted Liquid, making him hit the cieling and crash back to the floor.

"Not good". Liquid gasped as Chuck Norris grabbed him by the hair.

Chuck then pulled his leg back, and kicked Liquid in the nuts, making him scream like a girl.

"How do you like it"? Chuck asked. "What's that"? "You want some more"?

He began kicking Liquid in the nuts again and again and again, before punching him in the face, once again making him fly across the room. He slowly got to his feet, but then Chuck Norris kicked him into the corner, and began punching him.

Left, right, left, right, left, right. Liquid was seeing stars before too long, but the punches kept coming. Then he began headbutting him, and laughed as Liquid sunk to the floor.

"Damn, Liquid". Chuck Norris said. "It's like Mike Tyson's Punchout up in here". "Ready for round 2"?

"ROUND 2"?! Liquid yelled. "I was done after you kicked me in the nuts"!

"Good"! "And now I'm gonna give you the pile driver"!

"THE PILE DRIVER"?!

He picked Liquid up, and gave him a pile driver. Then he let him fall to the floor.

"In case you're wondering". Chuck Norris said. "This room has been carefully checked for anything that could stop me from taking you apart like tinker toys". "That's right, no cliffs for me to fall off of, no electric tracks for me to get stuck on, AND NO WAY FOR YOU TO SURVIVE"! "GOODBYE, LIQUID AHHHHHHHHHHHH"!

He raised his fist for the death blow, but suddenly the door was kicked open, and Chuck Norris screamed as he was tackled by 45 Liquid clones.

"Oh, thank god". Liquid said as they attacked.

They punched and kicked him for awhile, and then they cheered as they lifted him over their heads.

"TO THE PIT WITH HIM"! Liquid screamed.

The clones cheered and started carrying Chuck Norris away, but then they stopped.

"What's wrong"? Liquid asked.

"Um". Liquid 2 asked. "Does this place even have a pit"?

"Well, I don't know". "I've just always wanted to say that".

"So what do we do with him"?

Liquid thought for a second.

"Well". He said. "Um... uh, um, TO WHATEVER THIS PLACE HAS WITH HIM"!

The clones cheered as they took Chuck Norris away, and Liquid walked back to the clone storage place as more Liquids woke up.

"YES"! Liquid screamed. "An entire army of me to crush umbrella and take their secrets for myself"! "Are you listening, Wesker"? "I hope so because we are coming to stomp a mudhole in your ass the size of calcutta"!

"Calcutta"? Wesker asked. "What the hell is that"?

"I don't know, BUT IT'S PRETTY FUCKING BIG"! "End transmision"!

All of the clones were awake now, and Liquid stood in front of them.

"This is great"! He yelled. "No force on earth can stop a force of 1000 Liquids"! "I'm on top of the world"! "I cannot be stopped"! "I'm even cooler then Batman right now"!

"You mean"? Liquid 3 asked.

"That's right"! "Tonight I sleep WITHOUT my night light"! "MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"!

All of the Liquid clones began laughing just like him.

"Enough of that shit"! Liquid yelled. "How the fuck do we get out of here"?!

TO BE CONTINUED...once they make the next movie, that is.


End file.
